Jesus Christ, look at him. If you can’t tell what’s impractical about this costume, you’re either not a guy or don’t live in a place we like to call reality. This bazonkers costume traces back to Codpiece’s even more bazonkers origin story; basically, when this dude was in high school he asked out a girl who rejected him on the grounds that he wasn’t “big enough.” Now, she meant his height, but he took it as a blow to his manhood, which drove him crazy because there was no way for her to know that he was a few quarters short of a dollar. This self-conscious attitude continued to haunt him his entire life, to the point where his doctor suggested he get counseling and he took offense to getting his head “shrunk.” Instead of investing in an expensive car, he decided to hell with subtlety and went straight for blatant overcompensation. He turned to villainy, created a super-suit complete with a huge gun… and attached said gun to his groin. There is one vulnerable spot on a dude, and this genius didn’t just paint a giant fucking target right on it, he forced all superheroes to attack his junk. Not surprisingly, this all ended in the exact way you’d think: a superhero used their dissolving powers on the weapon and melted his dick off. Seriously, this shit is for real. Google it, then go cry and rock yourself to sleep.
And, yes, it turns out to be real. Here’s a horror-struck review:
Warning: While this article is technically work-safe, it IS reviewing a comic book from 1993 intended for people 18-years-old and up. Considering what’s on television these days, this is going to be tame, but still, I had to warn you. Also, I use the term “cock” a few times, mostly because it’s pretty funny.
Oh, comic books…why must you lash out so violently? Why must you suffer these spiteful mood swings that inspire you to stab me in the head with your absurdity? Is it because I don’t love you the way that I used to? Is it because you hate living in that moldy box in the back of my closet? What can I do to make you happy? Do you want to see other people? Is that it? Why won’t you talk to me?
There comes a time in any geek’s experience when he realizes exactly what he’s just read, and something breaks. It’s one thing to be a fan of something, it’s another to overlook the absurd nightmarish randomness that sometimes flies under the radar. The thing is, I’m pretty sure anyone who ever picked up the comic I’m going to talk about today will still remember it. Things like this have a way of haunting you until the end of time, and the adventures of a penis-themed super villain from DC Comics is no exception. This article might not be the longest around, but it’s not the size of your review, it’s what you do with it. As such, let’s dive head-first into Doom Patrol issue #70, first published back in September 1993. I’ve mentioned Doom Patrol on the site before, but for the sake of what you have to swallow today, ignore anything you might remember. Let’s get started, shall we?